New Blog: My Son Commited Suicide

Guru Meher in Takoma Park winter, 2010

Guru Meher in Takoma Park winter, 2009

Rose at Apu Ausangate

after the ceremony at the River.

after the ceremony at the River.

Releasing the ashes. The man with the orange turban was the silent angel present

Releasing the ashes. The man with the orange turban was the silent angel present

Gu and Rose at Solstice shelter

Gu and me in New Mexico.

October 29th, 2013

It has been a little over three years since my youngest son, Guru Meher, known as Gu took his life.

It is time for me to share the journey with all the details on how I came to this place where I can share how I not only survived, but healed myself and supported the healing of my family and friends.

It is my deepest prayer that I can somehow help others in their journey of grief and despair.

Along with a weekly commitment I have to this blog, I will be writing my first book called,”The Bone Mother”.

My son took his life at the age of 22. He was an indigo child all the way. Born as a preemie at 2 lbs 8 oz., he almost did not make it here in the first place.

For most of his life I , as his Mom could feel his pain energy body.

We were so deeply connected on a soul level. From the time he was born I always would say,

” The worst thing that could ever happen to me if if I lost Gu.”

Because he was so empathic and psychic, he found ways to numb himself at a young age.

He shared with me how he use to sneak alchohol from his friends houses cupboards

whenever he could.

By the time he was a teenager he was using whatever he could to “not feel” his pain. At the end,  we found needles under his bed from using heroin.

With Mercury in Retrograde, I am remembering allot theses days.

When Gu was at Blaire High School he was constantly doing suicide watches for his friends.

This did not happen when I was a teenager.

Little did I know he was in the same soup.

He was able to hide this  from me really till the end, his desire to go.

His first girlfriend left him because he was trying to cut his wrists. I learned this at his second memorial when she shared why they broke up.

I always knew being”indigo” made you feel not connected to the rest of the world, but I had no idea the amount of the DESPAIR being felt by so many young adults between 18-30. All under Pluto in

Scorpio. Pluto I have cursed so many times as the planet of death and also known as the planet of transformation. I have to keep remembering the LIFE part of the death and rebirth of Pluto.

Still…all I can say is I have experienced total devastation and by the grace of the Divine and

some courage that has emerged from the depth of my heart, I have come to this amazing place.

More on Gu later.

November 19th, 2013

I had two normal and strong boys.

Then came Gu.

He looked like he was an alien when he was born and I had no idea he would be such a heartache.He was a preemie,  2 lbs, 8 oz.

I learned early on that Gu was extremely psychic. I use to tell folks that he would out pass me as far as my shamanic skills. At the age of two he would cry when we would drive by a construction site saying he felt the “pain” of all he trees that were being cut down.

There were many times when he was playing with a friend and one got hurt, I would see him with his hands on them praying or chanting.

At such a young age, I knew he was coming from a totally different place than my other boys.

Guru Meher was loved by all. He was so compassionate, funny, brilliant and real.

He also was an addict.

From a young age he found alcohol to numb out.

His Dad and oldest brother took him to poker night and they would laugh at me for insisting on not letting him drink beer.

In high school it expanded to all other drugs and at the end, we found needles under his bed from heroin.

I have to admit as a parent, I did not now what to do so many times.

I was a single parent after he was ten. We were very close but still, I felt I was somehow figuring out how to manage being his Mom and Dad. And also, how to raise a child who is so different.

Then I learned about the Indigo Children.

Gu was one.

It did not help me in the end.

Allot of his story I will be writing about in my book.

Here I want to express the raw experiences that somehow I can touch others who have gone through the same thing.

December 5th, 2013

Time to write some more.

I think it is important for me to share what I went through before and after my son’s death.

When he was small, after his premie birth and two months living in an incubator, I always felt the worst thing that could ever happen in my life is if I lost Gu.

I would never in a million years have thought he would have taken his own life.

When I was his age it was hard. I left home when I was sixteen to escape what I felt was a prison. Maybe most flower children felt that way. I  did.And that is another story in itself.

For sure I never had friends who wanted to kill themselves.

Suicide had never been in my radar.

I remember when Gu was at Blair, he was constantly doing”suicide watch” for his friends.

Once he told me that and I was shocked. He said,” Mom, why would we want to be here anyway??” It was then that I realized he had these feelings too but wanted to hide them from me to protect me.

All I know is he was an empath who did not know how to protect himself from a very young age. He felt EVERYTHING.

Prozac got him out of the dark hole. But for some bizarre  reason he stopped taking it. Then he started to really unravel and go to drugs to self medicate.

I have to say that the therapist he was seeing( even though Gu loved him) was off the mark so many times. He agreed with his Dad that it was OK to get off the prozac and to move to California to live on his own with his partner in crime, George.

Every part of myself scream…NO NO NO!!!! This is a big mistake. He had just been sober for 8 months and all his support was here in Md.

He was there from Feb. to May when George called Gu’s Dad to say” Get him! He is suicidal.”

When he got home he was bone thin but looked quite different. There was a light emanating from his eyes that was not there before.

Gu told me before he came back that he had had a”mystical” experience of becoming ONE with all of life.He started posting all these “out there” postings on Facebook and we were all wondering what the fuck was going on.

When I picked him up at the airport he was hard to get a read on. I found out later that he was high on LSD. OMG is all I can say now.

This was my son. I had two others who had never been like this. I had no clue what to do but talk to him, my oldest son, Bhagwan and his Dad.

more later….

Post: Jan and, 2014

It is snowing out. Winter. Time for sleep and dreaming.

I welcomed the New Year going to a meditation circle and then chanting and dancing to Krishna, Shiva and the Great Mother at Kripalu ( one of the perks of living here). In one of the prayers I asked to help me to be more of service to the world.

Pain and suffering are all around us. May my life be a beacon of light and hope to all…esp. parents and those who have lost their loved ones to suicide and any tragic death.

I want to share more of the story of my Beloved son, Guru Meher.

As a mother I was so emotionally connected to Gu. Much more than my other boys for some reason. Later in working with my medical intuitive healer, I was able to see and feel in my body, heart and soul the first time Gu and I were together ( 23 lifetimes we counted). We were in Peru and he was my teacher. There was a fire and  he was gifting me with the ” Consciousness of the Universe.” He told me I was his only student who knew and could hold the energy for the masses.

We had many other lifetimes  as student , teacher, husband and wife. I knew the last one he was my husband.

Needless to say, he was my Beloved.

Looking back now over the years as his Mom, I wish I could have protected him more. Mostly from his Dad and his pain. I know this was his own karma he came into this life with.

Sept. 20th, 2010.

For a month I was so worried about Gu. I could feel this INTENSE energy in the house and he did not look good.

His Beloved, Ghi had gone off to Penn State for her last yr. in her art program and Gu was in some way, lost without her.

He told me he wanted to marry her and that she was his soul mate and that he had known ever since he met her in Waldoph School.

I had gone to the beach with my other son and family the beginning of Aug. When I returned, there were ropes hanging from the back and front yard trees and I found a bracelet in the basement with the word”Death” engraved on it. I asked him what the fuck ,and he said so calmly…” Mom, they are telling me 24/7 it is time to go. There is nothing wrong with death.”

I did not know what to do but go with him to his therapist the next day with a promise he would not do anything crazy.

When I looked at Gu those last days it looked like his whole frontal bone was coming out of his skull. His anxiety was off the charts and his shrink was on vacation.

We went to see his therapist and he was so full of shit. He thought Gu had Asburgers ( please excuse the spelling) and I told him his mind was dissolving.

He really needed some strong meds and possibly to go int re-hab . He fooled us all.

Gu told me, his Dad and his therapist that he did not want to go to the hospital and would make it till his Dr. came back to get on some good meds.

His Dad was doing suicide watch with him and took him to the Spirit Fest for chanting and yoga the weekend of Sept 18th.

I went to NY to do a Vision Quest for a few days at Rune Hill, where I had led Quest for many years.

It was right before I left that I was with Gu and Sparky( his therapist). That night a spirit came and stood at the bottom of my bed.

She was an old woman dress in black with long white hair. I knew as soon as I saw her she was from the Death Lodge. She was totally silent and there was love in her heart. She was so wise and filled with compassion.

I thought that since I was going to Vision Quest she had come to help me let go of some of my pain.

But no.

She came to take my son.

I remembered that when I left to drive up to Rune Hill he was packing for the Yoga Fest. That was the last time I saw him alive.

He promised us all he would not do something stupid. He even wrote himself a note( which I still have) that says”don’t do something stupid.”

He found the gun in his father’s house and took a bath, told his father he would be OK in the bath alone, went into his room and shot himself.

What happened after that was the nightmare all parents fear. The police coming to the house at 1am. Driving to the hospital with my oldest son who was crying saying..”He’s gone, he’s gone .” And then getting there and screaming as I saw my son on the bed with his brains being held in by a bandage.

My oldest son, Bhagwan holding me and saying again and again,” Mata, I will take care of you.”

It’s a weird feeling, shock.

I was able to get a hold of my Tibetan teacher, Tenzin Wangyal and he instructed me on what to do as far as prayers and how to help him through the bardo. He told me he would do Powa for him which was an honor.

I asked my closest shamanic student to be the shaman to help my family as I was in too much shock to deal.

It was super hard telling my Dad and family as we had just had his 80th birthday party at the house and Gu had give him such sweet gifts and was so open and loving to everyone.

Two days after Gu sent a message to all of us through Diana’s shamanic prayers. He said,” Forgive me and forgive each other.”

I knew he meant his Father mostly as he was the one who had the gun. Who in their right mind would leave a gun around with a son who wants to take his life??

There was only one thing to do and that was to FORGIVE.

I was so blessed that I was able to reach my teacher and he shared with me to do the bardo prayer for 49 days and also every seven days to get together a a family to pray for Gu. When someone dies a tragic death the soul many times is in trauma and needs the support and prayers of their loved ones and the community to help them on their journey.

So I made a prayer with his picture, had a white candle lit always and some of his favorite foods. Daily I would do the long bardo prayer and ask Yeshi Walmo ( the Bon sacred Mother who I am deeply connected to) to help him and to let me know when he had passed over to the light.

Every seven days we gathered. It was the beginning of the “glue” that we were all grasping for to somehow hold us all together. Mostly Bhagwan, Gu’s Dad and me.

During the 49 days Gu came to visit me often.

A week after his death I was working on a client who was struggling with drinking. She confessed in the session  that she had never healed being abused as a young girl.

As I was getting ready to work on her I was opening the safe space and I usually feel my teachers around the table. I heard clear as day,” There is someone else here to help you today Rose.” Then I heard, ” Hi Mom.’ That familiar voice I had heard for 22 years.

He put his hands on my shoulders and said, ” Go down to her feet and look at her light body.” Now I never even used that term in my work, so I knew it was coming from Gu. He said,” Look at her earth chakra. It is all there.” And he was right. I had never thought of looking there as I was always working on her depression and anger issues.

He then instructed me to place my hands on her pelvis and he helped me to see the ball of blocked energy on one of her ovaries. He said so sweetly,” Mom, you heal with your love, just like this, your love will heal Ghi also.” ( I will tell you who Ghi is soon).

I could feel the hard blocked energy melting under the heat of my hands and the spirit support of my son’s light body.

My client was blown away afterwards and I told her what happened . Interesting enough, she was the one who when I first moved in the house said this house was NOT a good place for me to live. She said that my clients would stop coming, and that is just what happened. Little would I know that what she predicted was from my own son’s suicide.

Guru Meher met a young girl when he was at the Waldorph school in DC. her name was Ghi. He always told me he knew who he would end up with later in life. It was this young woman.

I had never met her all the years they knew each other until I moved to the Pluto house in Silver Spring and Gu had just moved back from California and was living with me in the new house.

They fell madly in love and they both realizes, they were soul mates.

Gu brought Ghi to meet me and we knew as soon as we met that our connection was far deeper than we had expected.

When I showed Ghi all my shamanic drums, alter and sacred space she asked me if I would teach her down the road. There was a non verbal communication of our love for the sacred feminine and earth spirituality.

Ghi was the fourth person to be totally blown away, and devastated by Gu’s death.

It was after the 49th day that I received a message that I needed to adopt Ghi as my daughter, That this process would bring some kind of meaning and healing to us all.

I was also given ( I still do not know if this message came from my spirit teacher or from Gu), that I needed to do a traditional Native American Ceremony called ,” Making Relations” and that her spirit name was to be, ” Swan, Beauty on Water,”. If you knew her you would understand why the name. She is a Goddess and incredibly beautiful from the inside out.

We did the Ceremony and my whole family came. I had always longed for a daughter and Gu brought her to me.

There were many tears and so much support from all the people who came.

We love each other so much!!!

 

July 3d, 2014

Tomorrow I drive up to Canada to be part of a Unity Sundance.

After eight yrs of dancing on Rosebud, I really did not think I would ever do this again.

It is hard.

But, as spirit works, sometime a good thing that ended can return with a bigger blessing.

For three years now Canada is been coming to me in day and night dreams.

Last summer I kept seeing the Sundance Tree in meditations.

Then, last Feb when I was at a Yoga Retreat, I met Michelle. She was taking the Yoga training there and we became friends. She lived in Canada and told me of a Sundance south of Ottawa that was founded by Grandfather Commanda of the Algonquin Nation.

Then I find out that the man who runs the Dance was a nephew of Grandmother Lillian, my elder .

I am driving up tomorrow and will be dancing, fasting and praying.

The main reason I am doing this came again from Creator.

To pray and dance to bring HOPE to all the men in the world who suffer from the fear that paralyzes them. The men, young and old who commit suicide.

I am gong with gifts for the elders.

I am going with love in my heart.

And I am mostly going with an awareness that miracles can happen from this ceremony.

The sacred circle is ONE.

Migwitch. All My Relations.

Aug. 10th. Full Moon in Aquarius

My experience in Canada was beyond words.

I was greeted by so much love. The first four days I was preparing. I was resting, making my prayer ties and allowing myself to get grounded.

Walking barefoot is a great way to do this. I was barefoot the whole time and it calmed me and gave me energy at the same time.

I gifted the Sundance Chief an eagle pipe and his wife a basket of gifts.

The Lodges at night were hot and powerful.

Creator gave me so much support. I felt safe and just allowed myself to BE and feel what was in my heart.

I could feel grief.

I had three amazing people there supporting me and many at home also.

The support was to help me as I would be fasting the whole four days during the dance. I was afraid I could not do it.

When the dance started I went deep inside to bring a deeper awareness of WHY I was there.

Then, one morning in the Lodge three of the woman spoke of the deaths and suicide in their lives. One young woman touched me so deeply as she had had a continued dream of pulling buffalo skulls to release the energy and souls who were stuck from suicide. These were all young men….just like what I was there for!

She spoke about how she finally found a Sundance that would allow her to walk her dream. As she walked around the arbor holding the buffalo, she saw thousands of souls going up to the sky to be released.And her dreams of this vision ended.

 

I prayed every morning at the fire with tobacco and asked Creator and the Great Mother ( Weshi Walmo), to help me with my prayers for all the  men.

It was on the fourth day, the first round that it happened.

The drummers were singing the Thank You Song. I was holding my pipe and it was pointing up to the sky. I felt my heart expand to fit the sky…it was beyond anything I could ever imagine. A thousand butterflies flew out of my chest up to the sky. All the suffering, all the sorrow, all the pain was being TRANSFORMED into light and prayers of FORGIVENESS.

I wept and wept.

Then I saw a huge butterfly that had black wings with a yellow and blue dot on the wings and the center was a glowing white light…this butterfly settled into my heart.

I knew at that moment my prayers had been answered and I had simply allowed myself to be a beacon of light for the men in the world.

Afterwards, when the dance was over, I felt such a profound state of peace. I felt ONE with everything and KNEW the only reason we are all here is to experience LOVE.

Love for all.

This was Guru Meher in his essence. He WAS pure LOVE until he could not be here another moment.

My heart prayer is to continue to share the love with the world and to continue to bring HOPE and awareness to those who want to commit suicide and to the parent and loved ones left behind.

All my love,

Rose

April 4th, 2015

It is a cloudy day here in the Berkshires.

I am having a hard time getting up these days.

I just feel like staying in my PJ’s and sleeping.

My cranial teacher told me I have PTSD.

I realized I must have had it all my life and it has been quite a journey navigating my life from this perspective.

March 16th was Gu’s 26th birthday. It was a Monday and I decided to see clients. I only go to Md. once a month and when the people want to see me, I take them. It payed my bills for the month.

In retrospect, I should have taken half the day off and had dinner with his Dad or a good friend.

The next day I got a cold. It was full blown and nasty.

I had to cancel half my day and THEN I had the time to deal my sadness and my broken heart.

When I come down there I stay with my oldest son, Bhagwan.

He fixed up his guest room so sweetly for me to be comfortable. It is the room Gu lived in.

I am realizing now how hard it is for me to be there.

When I drove home after working the rest of the week, I started to realized how going back there re-triggered the trauma of his death.

Just driving around I remember places we had gone together. Eating at Mark’s Kitchen is where he worked.

I am learning so much about how to heal trauma from my own experience.

There should be some kind of funding for parents who have had their children commit suicide. They need time to heal, whiteout having to figure out how to pay the bills.

Being back home in the Berkshires is like a breath of fresh air.

September 17th, 2015

It is just a few days before the 5th anniversary of Gu’s passing.

I just returned from watching Meg Hutchenson’s new film called,” Pack Up Your Sorrows.”

Such dedication to educate the planet on mental illness and suicide.

She did a great job and to show about her own journey was very brave.

I met her a week after Gu’s death when we all went up to MN for his second memorial. Meg was there that first night, giving a concert . She played “Home” and I never forgot it. It was about her journey going away to a hospital for her attempted suicide and how she was saved from another way.

And there I was, thinking, Gu should have done that. WE should have put Him in a hospital so HE could find another way. But that is not what happened.

So, I sat there tonight , alone, watching this film and remembering it all.

I feel so many feeling and a part just changed from the core from all that I have endured.

My new granddaughter was just born yesterday…NamBani.

Life and death.

I have a hard time with this life.

Sometimes it just sucks.

November 10th, 2015

This time of year is hard for me. I miss Gu so much and with the simple thing of watching the leaves fall, I feel my own deep pain of loss.

Today as I was walking in the morning I simply allowed the grid to emerge and went with it, instead of pushing it back.

I yelled and wept. More like sobbed. I told him how much I missed him and that is was not right for him to take his life.I kept saying again and again, ” You should be here!! You should be here!!”

With that simple statement a flood of more emotions came to the surface. My anger at his act and anger at myself for not seeing the signs so I could have really helped him.

Funny after 5 years, I still have these feelings of helplessness.

I promised him I would write his story.

I now am.

2016 February 9th

A week ago I went to the Medicine Wheel Prayer Circle in Great Barrington.

It was a special day. Inbolk and Candlemas. I also was feeling anxiety and sadness.

I was delighted to see my friend, Kristine leading the ceremony.

It is a sacred space. We start with smudging and aging out all the stones we will use for the circle. Then we share from our hearts with the talking staff.

When we called on all the angels, teachers and divine beings to come all of a sudden I saw a flash of blue light and then he appeared. Guru Meher.

He came in from the right and stood behind me. It was so real. I could feel his hands right on my shoulders.

I was crying.

He kept telling me he was there to protect me and not to worry. That I would be OK.

He was such a powerful PRESENCE.

He was there for the entire circle.

At one point he started blowing on my crown chakra. Felt like he was dong a healing on me.

The entire time I was being filled with this amazing light and love. He kept rearing me as I had been filled with so much worry about my income and work and Glenn.

Gu just kept saying over and over that he was protecting me and not to worry.

I shared at the end what I experienced and Angela saw a big white bird with wings and a ling tail on my crown. When the circle was over, the woman to my right said Gu was talking to her too and was telling her to tell me to dance for joy as my life was so blessed!

That entire day I was so happy. My son came to visit me.

September 27th, 2016

Last Tuesday was the 6th yr. anniversary of Gu’s suicide.

I can say that word now without totally melting down.

I just got back from my writting class and was making myself a cup of Sleepytime tea.

I am taken with the strong memory of Gu and Bhagwan, sitting in our home in Takoma Park Md. Me in the kitchen asking if they want some Sleepytime. They all say loudly,” Yes please…with honey.”

I am filled with so much grief I just about fall over. Here, now.

I miss my home there and the sweet life I had with my family.

I say sweet, but there were many challenges there in that house.

Mostly with Gu as he was in his teenage years and the battle with addictions. Also, the friends he would bring to the house that were involved with drugs.

And here I am, with my tea, realizing the grief never really goes away.

It hides under rocks and mostly in the tender places of my heart.

I have been going to Md. every 4 weeks to work and have the blessing of renting a room in Bhagwant Singh’s house. He is Gu’s Father.

This is the house where Gu shot himself.

And here I am, doing healing work on many folks in that house.

Many who come say,’Wow, I love this space.”

I just smile and think…if you only really knew what happened in this house.

It has been six years and I am getting EMDR work to help release the trauma from my NS.

It is helping.

This time of year, I many times would just love to not be here, but this year, I can feel my heart is stronger.

I wake each day and do my Jap Ji prayer, yoga and I pray.

When I am feeling not that great, I take a bath and recite the Jap Ji in the bath ( the morning prayer of bliss by Guru Nanak).

I can see myself at the Golden Temple in Amritsar, I see the black crows circling the Golden Temple as the Jap Ji is being recited. I have been there many times.

I feel the incredible healing power of this sacred place healing my heart.

And in each moment this happens, I feel HOPE.

Yes, Hope, for myself, Bhagwant Singh and my son Bhagwan, that we will have the strength to continue in our life.

Our life without Gu.

Our life, knowing our son shot himself because he was in so much pain.

As the leaves begin to change their color and fall, ever so slowing, I feel myself sinking into the grief and it is OK.

It just is and will heal when it does.

I will be going to Peru in a month.

I feel a deep healing will happen there around Gu’s death.

My Pipe is coming and I plan to open the space for healings and ceremony.

Thank you for reading this.

From my heart to yours,

Rose

Jan 2017 Full Circle

When I was seeing my healer for the first 2 years after Gu passed, one of the sessions we had we both saw that we had been connected as soul mates for 23 lifetimes.

I was on her healing table and suddenly I saw myself in a cave with Gu.

He was my teacher and he was handing me a huge ball of light.

He told me I was his beloved student and he wanted me to share the Consciousness of Light with the world.

I soon realized that experience was in Peru at the sacred Apu  (mountain) , Ausangate.

With the knowledge that His Holliness has shared that the spiritual medicine of Tibet had moved to the Andes, was even a bigger igniting of finding my way to this sacred land.

I prayed for month on who to go with and I met a beautiful healer and sister , Angela Blueskies. As soon as I met her at a Pipe Ceremony, I knew we were connected on a deep level to Peru.

Angela turned me on to her community in Pisac, which is outside of Cusco. As I researched online the town and the Retreat Center she recommended, I started to get excited!

At the same time a friend of mine from Md. was going with some of her students and invited me. She was going to the mountain I had been waiting for…Apu Ausangate!

So, I began to make my morning prayers to Creator and the Panchmama to prepare me for my pilgrimage .

I knew I needed to go and I was scared because of the altitude…15,000 feet!

I normally have issues with small spaces and anxiety ( when I can not breathe).

I had much to pray about!

My first week at the Retreat Center, Paz Y Luz was totally magical! I had all the time I needed to rest, meditate, take walks and meet new friends. Some I know I will be connected to forever.

The land, mountains and the people touched my heart deeply!

The second part of my trip was to the Sacred Sites in the Sacred Valley…but all I really wanted was to go to Ausangate.

I finally was on my horse, making my way with the group to the camp site at the base of Ausangate.

We were so blessed to have beautiful, sunny weather the entire time.

This was my second time on a horse and I loved it!!!

As we grew closer I just was blissed out. Totally feeling THIS IS WHY I AM HERE!!! On the planet , this moment, feeling amazement and wonder.

Our guides were awesome and took care of everything.

Before dinner the shaman. Isidro, did a coco leaf reading for each of us. I was amazed what he said to me.

” You have been here many times. And will come back many times. You are a very spiritual woman and have come to heal your past.”

Holy Moly, was he ever right on!!

After diner we made a fire to burn the prayer offering we made to Ausangate.

Then I climbed into my tent and realized I was freezing. I could not believe I did to bring warm enough cloths!

I tried to get warm and tried to lay down but within moments, my heart would start pounding and I could not breath.

This went on all night.

I would wake up with a high anxiety attack from not being able to breath ( 15,00 feet!). I would calm myself using my mantra and prayer.

I had to pee a million times, each time having to get out of the tent and it was ice cold with a wind.

At one pint, I saw this horizontal lightning coming from the mountain outside the tent. It also went through my tent. I felt the spirit of the mountain was clearing my energy.

I tried to sleep leaning on my backpack and it pulled my neck out with is just what I needed!

I prayed for the morning to come so I could get out and move around to get warm. I need Ibuprofen and some hot tea.

By sunlight, I was in allot of pain.

My whole front of my body was throbbing.

I realized now, it was all the grief, and fear getting ready to be released.

After breakfast we got on the horses and rode to the Lagoons. This water comes from Ausangate and is used for healing.

The first one is called the Jaguar Lagoon and is where you release your pain.

As soon as I got there my friend, Patti started crying. She said she saw my son, Gu, standing behind me. Then I wept , feeling his deep presence.

He whispered to me,” Mom, this moment is part of your destiny.”

As Isidro cleansed me with his medicine bundle I felt something great leave my body. I felt me soul and heart crack open and an incredible feeling of release. I let go with a shriek that I felt was returned to the mountain.

As I looked once again at the Lagoon, I could see the water spirits there, pulling in the pain and eating it.

In Tibetan shamanism we call these spirits, Masan.

They are needed here to take in in our pain. Hands reaching up, up to take the pain into the water to be eaten.

All I can say is, I was deeply grateful for that incredible moment in time.

We then got back on the horses and rode a short way to the Rainbow Lagoon. This is where the feminine spirit lives. It is turquoise and has a buffalo skull in the center of the lagoon. It was here that Isidro blessed us with the healing waters of the Great Mother.

When we got back to camp I slept like a baby. That night I had an extra blanket and was very toasty. An intense wind was coming dow from the mountain all night. My tent shook all night. It was very intense.

But I was not afraid.

I could almost hear the mountain whispering in the wind….” A time of great change for you Rose.”

I laughed in the middle of the night under my warm covers, reveling in the events of the last day and here I was, becoming the change.

By morning, everything was still.

I sat with Ausangate and asked for His Transmission.

It came to me in the form of light into my crown.

Stillness, Silence and Space.

The three blue pills.

I wanted to stay there forever but we needed to pack up our camp and head down the mountain.

In two days I was home.

I felt totally different.

The biggest shift was in my relationship with Glenn, my partner.

Allowing the pain to be released from my heart, opened my being to love in a new way.

To accept Glenn  for Glenn and to feel the blessing of love in a new way.

For months after my trip I needed to be still and just BE. I could tell something profound had shifted on a DNA level.

The pain and grief is GONE.

Guru Meher is now with me always in the spirit realm. He continues to come to me as blue light and he wants me to go back to that mountain so I can be with him and show others how to heal, their pain and sorrow.

I am now planning to take eight folks on pilgrimage this fall for 12 days. Paz Y Luz for the Munay Ki Rites, sacred sites and Ausangate.

The chapter of pain and sorrow has passed.

Now is a new chapter for love, joy and happiness.

Glenn and I will be married Sept 16th of this year.

Aho Migwich!