Guru Meher in Takoma Park winter, 2010
It has been a year since my youngest son decided his time here on Earth was truly done.
How can a son tell his parents and family he is leaving??? How could he possibly know how to share that he was only incarnated here to teach us about love?
And he chose me to be his Mom. I guess he knew I would support him at his birth (where he almost died) and his death.
And now, I understand and have so much love, respect and gratitude for who he was and what he shared with all of us.
A week before he left us, Guru Meher told me the spirits were talking to him 24/7 that it was his time to go. Of course, I tried to convince him with the aid of his Dad and therapist to ” hang in there”, and that he had a wonderful life ahead of him. Then, right after I did some shamanic work on him, that night I was visited at the bottom of my bed early the next morning by the Grandmother of the West, who I know comes from the Death Lodge. She was so powerful, with her long grey hair, dressed all in black, just staring at me with this intense silence. I was getting ready to go on my own Vision Quest the next day and thought she was sending me a message. Little did I know she was coming for my son.
I still have times I sob and miss him daily. Somehow, I am understanding the whats and the whys and how we were all connected by a tapestry of karmic destiny.
Guru means teacher. It also means the divine light within that guides us. Meher means blessing.
Guru Meher had been called the “jewel” of our family. Yeah, his inner light was shared in his kindness and his love for all beings. Even at Mark’s Kitchen where he worked, so close to Hal’s side, there were so many customers he touched with his amazing kindness.
Guru Meher has been my deepest and most powerful teacher. He has brought me to my knees with the deepest grief and sorrow I could ever imagine. He taught me forgiveness and what it truly means to be a shaman. To live and die and transform in the process.
Four days before his one year Memorial I had a dream….I was taken to a house in the north ( the place of transformation in the Medicine Wheel) that was all white. It was filled with men who were chanting God’s name and I knew it was an ashram. I asked were all the women were and was told ” Our wives are all Goddesses and they live on The Three Moons,” He pointed out a window to the left and I saw these huge white full moons in the sky. This man told me there was someone waiting for me and took me outside under the light of the moons. Guru Meher greeted me with a ” Hi Mom”, and we embraced. I knew this was where he came from and his home now. I know I can visit him in this sacred place any time and really all I need to do is ask and I hear him talking to me.
I awoke feeling such joy in my heart on the day of his Memorial. I awoke feeling liberated. I guess because all the pain he endured in his 22 years was over and that he was in a peaceful place. I had always felt his pain and for me, I can now look forward to love, happiness and new adventures of so many things.
Guru Meher almost died at birth and took his life at 22. It was almost like he was just visiting us to share the love he carried in his amazing heart.I loved him more than anyone on this Earth. He was my Beloved.
Guru Meher, you are teaching me every day as I look at your picture and I can hear you greet me daily with ” Hi Mom.” And all that you remind me is to keep letting go. Keep letting go Mom, love as much as you can in the short time you are here. Forgive everyone and mostly forgive yourself.
Today, I know I am in the mists of the greatest re-birth cycle of my lifetime. I am daily letting go of old patterns, illusion and attitudes that no longer serve me and others.
I am living in gratitude for my family, my grandson, and my community.
My heart, mind and soul have walked through the black hole and has emerged with a new awareness.
Guru Meher, I love you forever and will see you when it my time to do my Star Journey.
Meanwhile, while I am here I will be the amazing Mom you always knew I was and will continue to walk this path wide awake, laughing, crying and sharing the medicine with all who are ready to hear and heal.
We will all remember you…the blessing of the Guru.